Journal Entry:
"Today hurts. I am not God and I don't claim to be wise, but quite honestly I'm angry at the way he chose to let things go today. Sometimes asking for a miracle doesn't mean you'll get one. Sometimes the right way doesn't work and you feel stuck. Stuck between knowing what to do and not being able to...... Today started off crazy. On the way to the hospital we ended up stopping to help a huge van attempt to clutch start. This was the first of many failed attempts to do good today. We arrived at the hospital and like usual I started to round on the patients in the maternity ward. This morning no one really wanted to help. It's so frustrating not knowing a language and not being able to say what needs to be said. Today in particularly I felt overwhelmed by my lack of maternity nurse skills. I hate being ignorant not only in this particular type of nursing, but how to do this in Uganda without the normal tools and equipment. I felt broken, I really needed God carry me today. I needed him to be big because I am and felt so small. So in the midst of this chaos and confusion during rounds the midwife student runs in to tell us a baby that was just born was not breathing. I go running to the back to find a blue baby, she wasn't breathing on her own. They claimed she had a heart beat, she didn't. I looked up to the doctor that is normally in charge of the maternity and pediatric departments and he asks "Do you know how to resuscitate a baby?" I respond with yes, and immediate take control of the situation. I was the only one who knew what to do. I initiated compressions and started bagging her. (merely pushing room air into her lungs, because we had no oxygen.) We got a heartbeat back and I took her to the OR where we could intubate her and have some suction. We got her intubated and gave iv steriods but we didn't have anything else. She had her own heartbeat but we were making her lungs breathe. Here they normally quit when they aren't breathing, they don't go beyond that at all. It was so hard knowing all the next steps that I would be taking if I were in America, but that is impossible here. I kept giving her breaths for over an hour while the anesthesiologist convince me it was time to stop. My sweet friend Rachel (with no medical experience) continued to pump air into her lungs while I cleaned the baby up. I took out her IV (which was just a hallow needle which I used 3 times to stick). I swaddled her up and we took out her breathing tube. My stomach sank as this baby had no breath, just a heartbeat and there was nothing I could do. I took her back to her mother and let her feel her baby's heartbeat. I had to tell her that it probably wouldn't beat much longer, because she's not breathing on her own. I prayed with the mom and for the baby and we waited. Her heartbeat slowly faded from being able to feel it to only being able to listen with my stethoscope. And at around 1:30 pm it faded away completely. It was so hard to watch this precious baby girl's life fade away. Then I had to get a translator to tell her mom that her baby girl was gone now. It seemed as if the mom and our team we really the only ones phased by this. This is a norm there. Babies shouldn't die. I went for a walk for a little bit and prayed. I prayed for the mom who just lost her baby and I asked God to be glorified through this and that his power would be made perfect. I wish I could have a conversation with this woman and promise her that God is still good and that he has a plan for her, but our languages wont let me, so I asked God to tell her himself. There is still so much left to do and I can't do it all so I choose and remember to leave it in the Lord's hands, knowing that his foolishness is wiser than my wisdom and even though I wanted a different outcome, that doesn't mean that was best.
I go back to the maternity ward to finish rounds. No one was there to translate and after 30 minutes we finally got someone to help, but not someone that could do the orders I was writing. Finally one of the nurses got here to do the things we needed and after much frustration and firm talking patients started getting treatment.
Then I got to the point where I could assess the sweet baby from yesterday. He was cold, barely breathing... the whole event from this morning was basically replaying itself in this sweet boy, Andrew. I ran to the OR to get the one infant ambu bag we had and gave him a few extra breaths to help jump start his own. We quickly decided that if this baby was going to live he had to be rushed to the Mbale hospital (an hour an 15 minutes away) So Katie and I jump in an SUV with an African Driver that served as our ambulance. During to trip we had to initiate CPR on the baby while on these bumpy roads, trying not to crush his little head while attempting to pump air in his lungs. We finally made it to Mbale and were surprised to see the only real difference was that they had oxygen and they had a store up the street that they could buy an NG tube from. While these were very necessary and helpful they didn't have bililights, warmers, or vents there to help this baby. Tonight I left this baby's life in the hand of the Lord once a again as he struggled for breath in Mbale. Man I wish we could do more for these kids. It doesn't seem right.
Katie and I were at Mbale hospital (Which by the way it only took 35 minutes to get there... umm can you say flying?) Then we had to get to the hotel that the rest of the team was eating dinner. There was no other way to get there besides a boata boata (a dirt bike type of taxi) I think our trip leader gave us one rule for the entire trip: Do NOT under any circumstance, get on a boata boata. African roads+ No helmets+ crazy drivers often = death. But we didn't really have other options so after much warning from our native friend Sam the boata boata driver agreed to get us both to our destination safely. Picture this: a Ugandan driving in front, katie sandwiched in the middle and me gripping on for life on behind her with both of our back packs piled on my back. We arrived safely after another scary ride during which I was wishing I had peed before hand. We made it without peeing our pants or any scrapes or bruises. We had a relaxing dinner, during which I was pretty quiet, so much so I was making myself nervous. I really don't know how to process today. Katie, Sarah and I had a worship session that really helped me to connect with the Lord and really see his face through this hard time. Hoping to get to bed early tonight and to get some good rest for tomorrow."Make a difference. Click to give someone in Uganda or Haiti a safe birth.
